Are
you married? About to marry? Are you terrified at the mere mention of the name
‘mother-in-law’? Do you feel a few drops of hot urine stream down your panties
when you hear your mother-in-law knocking at the door? Well, I grew up in West
Africa and I know that some mothers-in-law are actually monsters-in-law (but
that is not to say that all daughters-in-law are angels). So, how do you become
best of friends with the mother of your husband and lover? Let’s roll!
As
a wife, it is a great fear lurking in your heart, and you wonder: Will my
mother-in-law tear us apart? Will she hate me with passion? Or love me like a
daughter? What can I do? What will I do? Will he support her and tell me to go
to hell? Get a glass of chilled pineapple juice and relax! I can feel your heart
thumping already, and yeah, get a handkerchief and wipe off the steamy sweat!
The legendary war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been there from
the beginning of time but with wisdom, you will not only survive it, you will be
a darling daughter to your mama-in-law. Memorize these tips, girl!
1.
Never See Your Mother-In-Law As Your Rival:
Actions
start from thoughts and you nursing such dangerous ideas will only lead you
astray. See her as who she is: your mother-in-law and the mother of your
husband, and hopefully, your newest female friend. She is NOT your rival. Some
ladies enter marriage with a nuclear arsenal and the mindset of ‘demolishing’
their ‘enemy’. Don’t create problems for yourself. As a woman thinketh in her
heart, so she is. Yelz ke.
2.
Do Not Put Him In A Tight Corner:
Some
ladies go to the silly extent of giving the guy an ultimatum or asking that
nauseating question to choose between you and his mother (like who does that?)
If you cannot differentiate between maternal love and spousal love, then you are
not ready to become a wife. Your roles are different, distinct AND separate. It
is also an idiotic or kpalasa husband who will ask you to choose between him or
your own mother. Water and oil are both liquids, but they just don’t mix. Hope
you get that, sweetheart? Next!
3.
Become A Detective:
Huh?
I don’t mean you have to take up a job with the FBI or the SSS, but hell yes,
get as much information as possible about your mother-in-law. Know her
preferences, understand her thinking, comprehend what she likes (especially what
will make her laugh no matter how angry she is) and those things that really
makes her go gaga with fury. Such CIA job should not be too much for you to do
for a woman you will be stuck with for years. I said be a detective and not a
spy….lol! Your hubby will surely help you with that.
4.
Be Respectful And Courteous:
According
to the Yorubas, ile oko, ile eko ni. What that means is that marriage is a place
to learn (especially manners, etiquette and good behaviour). If you really love
and respect your husband in the first place, you will have no problem with this.
If you are too pompous, arrogant or downright disrespectful, you may as well
stop reading here. In virtually all the societies of the world, respecting your
in-laws is very crucial to having a warm relationship with them and stabilizing
your own marriage. However, I must mention something very important here: to be
respectful does not mean you should become a slave or servant. You are a wife
and you must always maintain your dignity. Do not be rude but be firm. A
daughter-in-law does not have the same spelling as a housemaid. Hope you get my
English?
5.
Never Make The Mistake:
Of
what? Of pointing out a mistake, flaw or error of your mother-in-law in front of
your hubby. You are his wife and as a lady, there are much more subtle and cunny
ways to draw his attention. Do not criticize your mother-in-law. Ridicule her,
you ridicule your lover, and of course, the granny of your kids. According to
Shimon Peres, the Israeli President, there are two things in life that you
cannot achieve without closing a bit of your eyes: peace and love. Let me
rephrase that: the personal lifestyle of your MIL is not your business.
6.
Do Not Be Too Forward:
Inasmuch
as you are to be proactive when relating with your mother-in-law, do not try too
hard to impress. Do not go to her place everyday (familiarity breeds contempt)
but see her on special occasions or when she requests to see your lovely face
(with or without your husband and kids). According to one of the 48 Laws of
Power, scarcity will always create value. If you don’t believe that, why are
diamonds much more valued than stones and rocks? You will come out as fake and
you may even be suspected of having a hidden agenda if you are always trying too
hard. Remember how that girlfriend of yours irritates you with her fake life? Be
yourself, be natural and genuine. She will appreciate that.
7.
Let Her Know You Love Him:
Yes,
forget the superficial jealousy, a mother-in-law will love you to pieces when
she knows that her son is in safe hands. But, that has to be done with maturity.
Every mother wants a good wife for her son but their maternal instincts makes it
difficult for them to just let go. Blame the hormones. Prove to her (by your
actions) that you are caring enough and you will over-ride her instincts.
8.
Appreciate Her Gestures Of Kindness:
Not
all mother-in-laws are devils. Some are really really very nice and will love
you immensely even before they meet you. Appreciate them and not take them for
granted.
9.
Discuss With Him:
In
a case where your duties as a wife are being encroached by an overbearing
mother-in-law who will dictate what he eats or what he wears, register your
displeasure with him (but relate well with her). A loving husband will come back
to his senses, and a sensible hubby will not even allow such a scenario in the
first place
10.
Place Yourself In Her Shoes:
Know
that it hurts her and is a patch of mixed feelings. Yes, he is your husband but
it’s still her son, even though she now knows that another lady (YOU!) will now
get all the attention and devotion that she has received UNCHALLENGED for
decades. She will subconsciously see you as a coup-plotter ovethrowing her
‘government’, and displacing her from power. Once you understand this, you
should be smart enough to sympathize with her by reacting with wisdom. In short,
do not take everything personal.
11.
Detach Yourself When It Gets Too Hot:
If
she is still determined to give you a tough time and make life hell for you,
detach yourself emotionally and discuss with your husband. Just know that some
mother-in-laws are incorrigible and can never be satisfied. Do not kill yourself
over that. Maintain your distance but never disrespect her or worsen the
condition. At this point, your hubby will do the rest of the healing.
12.
Gauge Yourself:
Are
you wicked yourself? Yes, you. Stop rolling your eyes…lol! Is there anything
evil or indecent about you that is always pissing off your mother-in-law? For
the sake of your marriage and peace in your home, assess yourself and make sure
that there is no fault from your own side.
13.
Draw The Lines:
You
married her son, and not her. Let her know when she is crossing the boundaries.
Do this compassionately and very subtly. Get clues from your spouse. In the
African setting, many mother-in-laws find it very easy to intimidate wives who
do not seem firm or do not even know the basic responsibilities of a wife. But
remember, in asserting your rights as a wife, do it with the tact and skills of
a diplomat. Don’t get him irritated.
14.
Sync Her Up With Your Own Mother:
Mothers-in-law
suffer from the same ‘son absence syndrome’ and always understand themselves
better. Also, being of the same generation, age and mentality, your MIL is more
likely to get along better with your mother than you, a ‘flashy’ babe of the
21st century. Let your mother handle that aspect. A good relationship between
the two women will only tip the table in your favour, okay? Good.
15.
Communicate With Her:
Did
your heart just skip a beat?! I hear some of the ladies saying ‘Over my dead
body! I can’t have anything to do with my mother-in-law’. Remember, loving the
honey and hating the bees is not only hypocritical, it does not make sense.
Choose your time very well, when she is in high spirits and have a deep,
mother-daughter discussion with her. Do not avoid your MIL. You will only
succeed in making yourself more of a stranger (which was your status
before).
16.
Be kind and compassionate:
Especially
if she is of frail health. You’ve got a mother too and one day, you will also
become a mother-in-law. Remember the Golden Rule, and yeah, the Law of
Karma.
17.
Chill:
Most
of the time, mothers-in-law do not have any evil behind even the most
mischievous of their actions. They are only a bit insecure thinking that no
person is good enough for their child, or a woman has come to spoil the existing
mother-son relationship. Such a reaction is perfectly normal and natural. Do not
give yourself sleepless nights over that. Studies have show that most of the
time, they mean no harm.
H
18.
Prod Him On If Need Be:
Make
sure your husband performs his roles and fulfills his responsibilities as a
child to parents. Apart from the fact that you will be laying a very good
foundation for your own kids, no one will accuse you of being a callous wife who
made him turn his back on his siblings and parents. Be very firm and insistent
on this. That he is madly in love with you does not mean he should forget his
source. Remind him if he drifts off, it will not be to your benefit.
19.
Do Not Let Your Ego Get In The Way:
Do
not think twice before apologizing and making amends if you have offended her.
But do not degrade yourself for something you’ve never done. Do not allow anyone
to blackmail you into submission or surrender. Funnily enough, she may find it
difficult to apologize to you because of many reasons. Do not take that to
heart. It is the pride of a mother-in-law.
20.
Avoid Arguments With Her:
Oh,
you prefer to cook meat by boiling it and she prefers steaks? Do not drag the
issue needlessly. Calmly agree. Remember arguments with even your own Mom do not
always come out nicely. It is better to lose an argument to your mother-in-law
than for you to lose your mother-in-law to an argument. Use your head and keep
your debating skills for your girlfriends (especially if you are a
lawyer…lmao!)
21.
Always See The Good Side Of Your MIL:
Positivity
helps. Avoid being judgmental. You cannot form that bond of love if you are
always judging her.
22.
Let Her Mingle With Her Grandchildren Freely.
Studies
have shown that mother-in-laws actually see your own kids as 100% theirs! If she
wants to pamper them to high heavens and take them out and have them to herself
all day long at the beach, just let them go. You will even have the whole house
to yourself and your husband! And what can be better than that? #winks!
23.
Pray, pray and PRAY!
For
those who think MILs are overbearing, you need to realize that she actually made
him who he is. She fed him, suffered for him, was hurt because of him, kept him
safe and warm, watched him grow…all these understandably makes her possessive
(she has the right to), and that is normal (are you not jealously possessive of
your hubby even without all these, yes, you now gerrit). She may also be afraid
or insecure that she will grow old and the son she has laboured for all her life
will forget and abandon her. As a daughter-in-law, ease all these fears, see
things through her lenses and you become best of friends!
Remember
that even the strongest of marriages can be destroyed with inlaw troubles. Be
smart, diplomatic and calm in all your dealings. A friendly disposition will go
a long way to helping you and making friends out of your enemies. Atimes, you
may need to work very hard to make it work but do not give up because it is
worth it.
